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Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

Hang in there, buddy!

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

So many FMLs happen on birthdays. They should probably be avoided altogether.

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

Today, after buying a house 2 months ago, getting engaged and finding out I'm pregnant... I found out 8 months ago my fiancé cheated on me with the one girl I told him would ruin our relationship. Now I am stuck with a house we can't sell yet and the spawn of Satan due in a few months. FML

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

Today, after working out at the gym, I accidentally left my towel in my locker. Since it was early, I didn't mind walking to the showers naked. After showering, I couldn't get my lock to open, leaving me stuck trying to open the locker totally naked, as the locker room filled up. FML

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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