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Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major ...

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

Today, while going through customs at the airport, my bag was selected for screening. It was nearly overflowing because it was so full, so before the TSA agent searched it, I said, "Watch out - it's going to explode when you open it". Wrong choice of words. FML

It's not easy being cheesy...

Today, my mates and I decided to get inked. I chose a chest tattoo of my last name, Coch. I'll let you guess what it looked like when I was finally able to inspect the damage. FML

Today, while waiting in line at the supermarket, a mother told me to be considerate and not buy the candy I was paying for, because it made her screaming toddler jealous. FML

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalape?os for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

Today, I bought a new bike from a sporting goods store. I secured the bike in the back seat and slammed the door shut, but I didn't pay close enough attention to the placement of the handlebars. I had to return the bike to pay for the shattered window. FML

Today, I took a rare day off after learning of a Godiva chocolate factory not that far from us. I checked out the website, got the hours, and drove over 25 miles with my wife to get there, only to find out it's for vendors, staff, and their families only. FML

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